Negativity Bias and Shame

One of the emotions I still struggle with the most is feeling like I let someone down. My head is so good at reminding me why I might have made a decision the way that I did and all the logic that stands behind it but the sometimes impractical part of my brain sends rapid, piercing signals of remorse to my heart where I realize I haven’t met the mark.

The confident part of my being knows and accepts why decisions were made (by me) as being understandable. The doubtful part of my being doesn’t accept any of this foolishness and wants to know why I didn’t see the situation differently at the onset. How could you have missed this, Lisa?

What is about the intersection of a personal life with a work life that impacts a leader’s sense of self-belonging? Part of it might come down to the risk it takes to be vulnerable. That’s become a bit of an overused buzzword as of late but being vulnerable, at least to me, is part of taking chances even when they might not work out. 

When they work out and you know the risk going in, it’s beautiful. 

When they don’t work out and you know the risk going in, it’s heartbreaking.

Feels a lot like shame. 

I read something recently about how our brains are hardwired to get stuck on the one negative instead of getting fixed on the many positives. I think it’s what is known as negativity bias. 

I’ve seen the same thing with some of the students we’ve been trying to get back on track. Some get so caught up on what assignments they haven’t finished yet that they forget to see what they have accomplished. Part of our job is to break it down and show where the possibilities still exist.  Sometimes they are so focused on behavioral mistakes they’ve made (even from the way past) that they think we are too. They forget that mistakes are intended to be ephemeral and can often be moments where we learn some important lessons. Helping a student see that the mountain they think they see in front of them might just be a hill that can be beat is where we have a chance at making an impact.

Every effort we make can still be worth it.

As for the mistakes and subsequent forgiveness to ourselves (and others) -- that may be worth even more. We might all fall off the path at times but that doesn't mean we shouldn't or won't get back on track.

I'll save your spot in this line if you promise to save my spot in case I lose it...again.

Listening to Shame : Brene Brown

"Shame is an unspoken epidemic, the secret behind many forms of broken behavior

Shame, for women, is this web of unobtainable, conflicting, competing expectations about who we're supposed to be. And it's a straight-jacket."