I woke up early thinking about a recent conversation. I'm struggling with how I may have handled my part of a conversation and am going back and forth (in my own mind) about a particular statement.
"Lisa, you're just too warm. Can you pull that back sometimes so people don't see that as much?"
Too warm? Pull that back?
"You mean don't be myself? If you're asking me to stop being myself, I can't do that."
There is an assumption that being a leader requires one not to be warm. And if you ARE warm, it is assumed you are softer on people.
I've spent time over the last few days thinking about my work as a leader and the team I work with. I am certain most would say they are working incredibly hard. Many have admitted they have worked harder than they ever have in their entire careers because they know that is expected and needed.
There is a level of accountability (combined with collaboration) in our building that has been built. There's nothing too soft or too warm about that. In fact, their hard work makes me work harder! It's the definition of synergy.
I'm reconciling the feedback by reminding myself there is a difference between a boss and a leader.
"A boss creates fear, a leader confidence. A boss fixes blame; a leader corrects mistakes. A boss knows all; a leader asks questions. A boss makes work drudgery; a leader makes it interesting." --Russell H. Ewing
Do I have my weaknesses as a leader? I sure do and lots of them. However, being "warm" doesn't belong on that list. Leadership styles vary person to person. Warm or not, aggressive or not, male or female. True leadership will have evolved when we stop trying to make all leaders look and act the same.
"Now, do we think women are more aggressive than men? Of course not. It's just that we judge them through a different lens, and a lot of the character traits that you must exhibit to perform at work, to get results, to lead, are ones that we think, in a man, he's a boss, and in a woman, she's bossy. And the good news about this is that we can change this by acknowledging it." - Sheryl Sandberg
"Lisa, you're just too warm. Can you pull that back sometimes so people don't see that as much?"
Too warm? Pull that back?
"You mean don't be myself? If you're asking me to stop being myself, I can't do that."
There is an assumption that being a leader requires one not to be warm. And if you ARE warm, it is assumed you are softer on people.
I've spent time over the last few days thinking about my work as a leader and the team I work with. I am certain most would say they are working incredibly hard. Many have admitted they have worked harder than they ever have in their entire careers because they know that is expected and needed.
There is a level of accountability (combined with collaboration) in our building that has been built. There's nothing too soft or too warm about that. In fact, their hard work makes me work harder! It's the definition of synergy.
I'm reconciling the feedback by reminding myself there is a difference between a boss and a leader.
"A boss creates fear, a leader confidence. A boss fixes blame; a leader corrects mistakes. A boss knows all; a leader asks questions. A boss makes work drudgery; a leader makes it interesting." --Russell H. Ewing
Do I have my weaknesses as a leader? I sure do and lots of them. However, being "warm" doesn't belong on that list. Leadership styles vary person to person. Warm or not, aggressive or not, male or female. True leadership will have evolved when we stop trying to make all leaders look and act the same.
"Now, do we think women are more aggressive than men? Of course not. It's just that we judge them through a different lens, and a lot of the character traits that you must exhibit to perform at work, to get results, to lead, are ones that we think, in a man, he's a boss, and in a woman, she's bossy. And the good news about this is that we can change this by acknowledging it." - Sheryl Sandberg
I get where you're coming from, Lisa. There's nothing that says a leader can't be warm, or that warmth is equivalent to weakness. I say, Be Your Authentic YOU! I can't think of a better leader than one with high expectations, authenticity, clarity, and warmth! :-)
ReplyDeleteJennifer
Thanks so much Jenn. It definitely is a balance, I am not arguing that. The phrase stuck with me though.
DeleteI wonder what more you could learn if you asked the person to explain what "too warm" means to them. This might be a place for the 5 why's. or ask them to help you understand what they mean...AND just between us....do you think anyone would ever say that to a man? I'm just sayin'
ReplyDeleteYES! Great idea. I should go back and ask those questions! Thanks for pushing me to think further.
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ReplyDeleteThere are so many nuggets of wisdom in this piece. However, I find myself challenged by one aspect. It's the word "warm". The word is subjective in nature. We don't decide how to make others feel. Rather, others decide to allow themselves to feel. So anyone who suggests someone is "too warm" is decidedly gleaning that from the exchange or the experience. I say you're doing just fine. And your personal and professional circles are benefitting from your courageous and "warm" leadership. Our children, our schools, and our world need more people who are willing to be warm...and even now and then, "too warm". Warmth builds trust, feeds culture, and sustains communities. Don't stop now.
You're only getting warmed up.
Comments like this from amazing people like you keep me going. No idea how I got this lucky but thanks for this, Dennis.Love the last line..you're right. I surely am just getting warmed up.
DeleteIf "warm" means treating all people with respect, making decisions that are always in the best interest of students, leading by example which includes taking risks, admitting mistakes, working collaboratively, getting the most seasoned teachers to step out of their comfort zones and try new ideas, then I say, "Bring on the warmth!" As a teacher leader in your building, I've never worked harder to do the things I'm asked to do because I trust and respect you and want to be the best teacher I can be. Thanks for sharing the warmth!
ReplyDeleteWhen the Principal's team leader posts a comment like this, she has surely arrived. YOU are an amazing (and warm!!!!) teacher. Love working with you. Thank you for supporting this post.
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